I have found this new radio station on Pandora -- "Ambient." I was
looking for some restful music one night, like the kind at the end of
yoga class, during Savasana. So I typed "yoga music" into Pandora's
search engine and up popped "Ambient." I love it. Just what I was
looking for.
Tonight I had it on as I was putting on
some new soft sheets, and paused when a familiar song came on. I am
pretty sure it was from the thirtysomething soundtrack. And I started thinking about thirtysomething,
and how I loved the character Gary. When he died, I felt like I lost a
sibling. I was so emotionally invested in that show. I remember my
body being wracked with grief. That made me think about Six Feet Under.
Ack, the same thing! Some of those deaths -- and then -- how it
ended! Oh, I was lost for days...I felt like I lost some of my best
friends.
The thing is, I rarely cry about the real
things in life. When things are really difficult and hard, it takes a
lot to make me cry or get emotional. I am always sitting quietly when
friends tear up over different issues. Different real issues. But I
don't tear up and I don't cry. Could I be a caring person who is not
empathetic?
Or, sometimes-- I wonder about my own
wall that gets quickly built up the moment we enter the emotional zones.
Perhaps I just don't allow myself to be sad. And maybe that's why thirtysomething and Six Feet Under were so devastating: somehow, it was okay to be sad about these tv shows and these fictional characters.
Maybe that's why I loved them?
Because I finally got the chance to be sad.
